I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
