i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
