Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
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It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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