glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
