I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
