the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
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Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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