i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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