Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
