Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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