he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
