if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
