i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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