I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
