Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
