also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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