there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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