beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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