Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
