You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Alive.
So much puke
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I came so hard my ears popped.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
