Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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