Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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