you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
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Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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