It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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