Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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