I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
