Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
