Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
