were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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