I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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