I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
