you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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