She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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