I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
