new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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