I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
