Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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