ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
