it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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