What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
