he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
