I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
