shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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