no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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