you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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