Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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