Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
