My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
