I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
