I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
