Umm I'm too high to move.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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