I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
