u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
