Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
