When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
