im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Houston, we have a squirter
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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