i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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